We have not talked openly about our miscarriages to many. Our story is one that we have always felt was our private struggle. I felt so alone and questioned my faith after our losses. I feel that our story is one that I need to share for those around us who are going through the same very private loss. I want my friends to finally know what happened so that if they might experience the same situation, they know they are not alone, and have someone to talk to who knows EXACTLY how they feel..... The first time we got pregnant we were typical first time parents. We were excited, anxious and mostly scared, because it was a surprise to both of us. A baby due December 17, 2006. We went to our first doctors appointment and went home telling some friends and mostly family our very exciting news. The first of our friends to get pregnant, WOW, were we scared! A few weeks later, I experienced the most excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. I went home from a wedding we were attending and laid down. Later on that night I went to the bathroom to find I was bleeding. I remember sitting there not knowing what to do...wanting to be a good mother and hold it in but physically not being able to. I just cried and prayed "No Lord, please don't take this baby, I will do anything". I had no idea how that night would change the rest of our lives. We went the next day to confirm on a sonogram that she was gone. Our little baby so little and so helpless was gone! It was so much to consume so quickly. One night you go to bed a mom, the next morning you wake up empty inside. The course of the next 9 months was a true test of our marriage but most importantly, my faith. As we were silently grieving the loss of our child, friends and even family were announcing that they were expecting. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Painting a smile on your face around others who are receiving a child from God, after you lost yours, is one that no one should have to face. Having people ask you "when are you going to have children?" Secretly you want to crawl in a hole and die and scream.."I do have a child she is just in heaven". Mother's day comes and goes and you know you're a mom, though no one recognizes it. There becomes an obsession with "WHY"? Why take our baby and give one to others? Why not us, what did we do? I am a woman, we are supposed to be born with the ability to have children.. why can't I do something to easy? Why can people who have NO business having children have them so easily and good people can't? Will I ever be able to have a baby or will I have to adopt? What does my baby look like? Will she know me? I became so depressed and withdrawn from life itself that my husband suffered the most. We both handled the situation very differently. He was not carrying her, so his feeling of loss was not to the same degree as mine. It caused a huge struggle between us. I look back on the past two years, and just feel amazed that our marriage survived all it has....I guess that's what a true soul mate is! The next nine months trying to have a baby and still no answers to why the first loss happened was hard. The doctor just told me "it happens a lot. There is only a 2% chance you would miscarry a second time"...though here I was not knowing a single soul it has happened to. People around me tried to console me, though, honestly until you've gone through the situation, you just see it was a minor thing. I know she was there alive and little heart beating. People would say "you can always have another baby." (This is the ABSOLUTE worse thing you could say to someone who just lost a child!!) My question to them was, "does that mean when my mom dies, I can get another one of those too?" You can NEVER replace that ONE special child. That is a child we will not meet until we get to heaven. People just feel that unless they can see the child, it is not considered a loss. This is totally false and ignorant...but unfortunately it is what you deal with deep down inside everyday.
February 8, 2007...."Jason...there's two lines” We were so happy. Finally after 9 months, WE WERE PREGNANT!! A baby boy due October 26, 2007. After confirming the pregnancy at the doctor’s office we told only our parents. Not wanting to jinx this pregnancy. She decided to run some tests this time and see why I might have lost our little girl. Progesterone is the hormone that carries a pregnancy. A normal pregnant woman should be at a progesterone level of 40. My body is does not produce enough of it. I was at a 14. She gave me some pills to take and saw me every other day to take blood and read my levels. We did 2 early sonograms to monitor the baby. Everything was right on track for a healthy baby. I am a preschool teacher and had come into contact with a child who had 5's disease (a form of parvo). There is a 5% chance that a woman contracting this disease in her first trimester would miscarry due to the virus killing the baby. I talked to my doctor and she assured me there was nothing to worry about, because there was nothing I could do at this point. About this same time, Jason got a great job offer in Topeka. We packed our house, put our house on the market in two weeks, sold it in one day and moved to Topeka. I thought surely the stress we were under would have an effect on the baby...but things were looking good. When we arrived in Topeka, my new doctor did another sonogram this was about ten weeks and baby was fine. A few days later I called my doctor with a rash on my face....the symptoms of the 5's disease. It is in your system for about two weeks before the rash occurs. She took blood to test for it. The next day was a re-occurring nightmare. I went to bed a mommy and woke up empty inside. I had some light spotting. This was not like the first miscarriage so I stayed in bed and saw the doctor as soon as she could get me in. Jason stayed by my side as we both prayed and tried to stay positive, but the bleeding had stopped so we were very hopeful. That felt like the longest day of my life. I'll never forget the sonographer's look on her face. She didn't even have to say the words. She simply sat me up, turned on the lights and sat down. "We've been here before, I know what you're going to say" Turning to my husband I said...”I'm sorry I really thought this was going to happen this time." She said, "The baby is there, but there is no heartbeat." Because I was further along than last time, I had to have the baby surgically removed. I could wait and hope for the baby to pass naturally, possibly making me sterile if an infection would occur, or I could schedule the appointment. I was numb by this point. Jason and I used that night to say goodbye to our son. The next morning we went in the hosiptal a family and came out empty handed and empty hearted. I felt so bad for Jason; he sat out in the waiting room all by himself. I was under and as far as I was concerned, if I didn't pull through it might be easier. At least drugs gave me a break from the pain, but he had to sit there all alone loosing his son and if things didn't go well, possibly his wife. Our doctor had urged us to do genetic testing on the baby to see if this was a problem that was going to produce the same result every time...a miscarriage. Struggling with how God might view this...I agreed. A few weeks later I got the call at work. Among all of the kids smiling and playing in my classroom, I hear..."No genetic problems, you did test positive for parvo (the 5's disease) that's what killed the baby." I was relieved that this might not be a reoccurring problem, but still sad that there were no answers as to "if" we might be able to ever have a child here on earth. Before my doctor hung up I asked the dreaded question..."could you tell me was it a boy or girl". She swallowed hard and said "are you sure you want to know." I answered "yes". "It was a little boy, I'm so sorry." she told me. I hung up and gathered myself to make the dreaded call to Jason. How do you tell your husband that he will NEVER get to raise his 1st son? He did not take it very well.
Again depression sunk in deeper and deeper until one day I saw Joel Osteen on TV talking about praying for things in your life and expecting them to actually happen. He went on to explain that you should expect that God has a plan for you and he will pay you double what he takes out. I finally made a promise to myself and God at that point to drop the questions, doubts and grudges I had towards others and my faith. I was going to decide where my life was going and with God in my corner the impossible was possible. We got into a church here; I read the bible every night. I have many of Joel's books and CD's. We even went and saw him in KC when he was there lecturing. Without Joel, my faith would not have been restored in the Lord. Because of that unbreakable faith, we got pregnant for a third time in the last two years. We welcomed Emersyn Reagan Tryon into our lives on August 7, 2008 at 9:28am weighing 7lbs 12oz and 21in long. God was with us that day and I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night fearing that this miracle might be a dream. I still, even now, fear that getting her was TOO EASY and that I should NEVER take her for granted. So many women take the gift of being able to carry a child and being a mother for granted. I know that my children are with the lord and that they are very special because he wanted THEM home to sit on his lap with him. He chose them for a reason! I know that if we hadn't lost Karsten and Kaden we would have never meet EMERSYN! We just would have stopped at two. There are many sad things that have happened to us, but it's what you learn from it and what you do with your life after you've fallen, that truly matters. I stopped seeing everything as a test from the Lord and rather a gift. My marriage is stronger than anyone on the face of this earth. We have a foundation that is securely built on our love for one another, carrying each other through the hard times and our faith. We are lucky for that! My pregnancy with Emersyn was not easy, I was on 3 different medications, had 2 different bleeding episodes, 5 sonograms, was sick a lot and had an infection....but I HAVE a baby girl here on earth, so bring on anything life can throw and I won't complain because to me a child is a blessing given from God, that can go away at a moments notice. I will treasure everyday that I have with Emersyn. I ask everyday for the strength to be a good mom and raise her in God's light and glory.
Please feel free to email or write me with any questions you might have if you are going through a similar conversation. Since posting this story I have had so many of my friends and even family write me and talk about their private situations. This is such a horrible thing to experience and I wish I would've had someone to talk to then. The best peices of advice to you is that 1. SOMETIMES THE BIGGEST LET DOWN IN LIFE WILL PRODUCE THE GREATEST OUTCOME. 2. AN UNANSWERED PRAYER CAN BE THE BEST BLESSING. Read our story as hope that when the world is black around you...there is hope if you just look up to the light!!! AMEN....GOD BLESS!!!!!
